EMOTIONAL MASKS
This topic is really hard to talk about especially this week it has truly been a roller coaster ride that I am trying to sort out. So let me start at the beginning. The reason for the topic of emotional masks is that what I have been wearing all week. I will get to that shortly.
Last week I was in manic mode. I felt like I was spinning out of control. I was so close to going to the hospital for mental health but I knew I couldn’t. I had to many people relying on me and I knew the hospital would keep me. I had a surprise party for my mother-in-law on the weekend, I picked up new car this week. As well my daughter needed me to babysit my granddaughter this week. So sitting in manic mood with my list of responsibilities was not good as it made me even more manic. By Friday it was okay I am desperate. What do I have control over, my environment. So I put away all of my digital stuff put on some guided mediation and lied down for 4 hours. Thank goodness that reset me.
Since Sunday and the surprise party I feel like I have been wearing a mask to protect everyone including me from seeing my emotions. The emotions of shutting down, having no energy, being depressed, forcing myself through each day. Instead I put on a happy face so everybody believed everything was great. This internal turmoil all week has truly been exhausting. The good thing is when I am at home or with my husband I can put away the masks and just be me. The manic me I can’t seem to slow down. I have such a huge list of things to do because I have been babysitting that the list seems endless and huge. That brings on such a feeling of being overwhelmed and adds to the mania. My head is literally spinning out of control. Even when I have put away the masks for the day I don’t feel any different. Thank goodness that tomorrow is my last day of babysitting.
I know though that, that doesn’t solve the problem though. I am still left to deal with my mind. I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday over the phone. Thank goodness my husband was home to walk through how I have been doing. I find some of my behaviours I am not even aware of . In the processes of the phone conversation the Dr was concerned as to what is going on as I can go from 0 to 100 rather rapidly. As well it can happen at different times throughout the day. So the Dr has asked that I keep a detailed journal of every day so we can see if there are any triggers. Right now there are no triggers standing out. So know I am keeping an hourly journal on my phone. Thank goodness since the start of covid my psychiatrist has been touching base every two to three weeks, or if I need him I phone and leave a message. I know with the help of my psychiatrist and my husband together we will figure this out. Wither it be a medication change or a hospitalisation.
Next week I am talking to a sleep Dr. I do use a CPAC machine know though however I don’t feel rested or refreshed in the morning.
LIVING IN HEALTH 
Lisa – I do not know if this will help or not. But I find writing to be my release – in this blog which I call my journal of memories. Every day I write – I fix my coffee and then I start. My emotions are through this blog – I write positive things – happy thoughts and stay away from politics. I have very little on my own family history other than what I remember – I find pictures are a trigger for my memories – so I put them down here for all the future generations to see and read. FAMILY & FRIENDS – PLACES & OBJECTS-THINGS are mostly what you will find in my journal blog. This takes time – around an hour and one half – but I am an early riser – it is my alone time – before the sun rises – I only need six hours of sleep – I too have the c-pap and use it every night. I have found purpose in my blog which my wife encouraged me to do as I was writing on Facebook and those over time disappear. I look every day on my site – and can see where people are from that read my blogs – that makes me happy as they are from all over the world – I now have 445 people who follow me of which I only know personally five of them – so I feel a sense of accomplishment – I have a place – a venue to express – and then I share it each day on my Facebook page – where there is a loyal following and I get lots of likes and comments. This works for me- a fun job I love doing with no pay! LOL But – I get to converse with people from all over the world – I do not know if this will help you – but know that you have my thoughts and prayers – that grandbaby – treasure that experience – I am in my autumn years and one by one they have grown up – every hug – every tug on my shirt – every arm around my neck – most have gone by – sad as it is – I have those pictures and those memories all in one place now. livinglifedoingitmyway.blog is my crutch – my way to find my thoughts – so with that being said – I hope this will help! Stay true to yourself and remember – doing all the little things will mostly take care of the big things in life! Take care – Tom
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Tom thank you so much for your input. I really feel like I am strarting to get to know you through our comments going back and forth.
Thanks again and have a great day
Lisa
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